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Thursday, 26th April, 2001 - 10:43am

death to all boob tubes

I've been working in this shopping centre for two months now, and I still get lost, so I decided today to walk a different way from the Food Court to my store.

(Stop laughing! Do you know how stressing it is when you have to catch a bus to get home and can't even find the fucking exit!?!)

This new route took me past a whole heap of clothing stores. But not the good kind. The very, very bad kind...Teenybopper-Girl Stores.

No please, don't scream. It's for your own good that you keep reading.

Rockmans, Portmans, Sussann, Suzanne Gray, Warehouse for Fashion, ValleyGirl, and Supre, they're all the same.

Especially Supre. Supre is like the Great High Lord Priestess of all Teenybopper Land. Forget The Great and Powerful Oz, we've got The Tight and Shiny Supre.

Why do these clothes carry all the same stuff? Pedal-pushers and boob-tubes as far as the eye can see, the monotony of it all only broken by the occasional flash of glomesh, leopard-print, feathers or *shudder* hot pink.

On my walk this morning I noticed the hottest new thing in (this excuse for) fashion is to have your own name stretched across your boob-tube. Candy, Missy, Jessy, Becky, and Mandy, names like that. Obviously only names that end in 'Y', because anything else is not teenyboppery enough.

What does this help achieve? My first thought was to help them remember their own name, but then I realised even if this was the case, it wouldn't help much.

"Like, hi. So, like, what's your, like, name?"
"Like, ummm...*looks down*...ydnaC?"
"Oh cool, so you're, like, from Yugoslavia 'n' stuff?"

See? It could only end in disaster. But I can't think of any other option.

Now, I know what you're thinking. What if your name doesn't end in 'Y'? But these designer people are clever *snort*, they have made non-specific label boob-tubes as well. "Crazy Bitch", "Pretty Grrl", "Foxy", "Fashion Victim". (Okay I made that last one up).

So you see? Everybody's needs are met.

Provided, of course, that everybody's needs include having the figure of a match stick.

Which brings me to my next point:

Boob tubes are made for people with matchstick figures. If you are able to wear your own stomach as a kilt, then you chances are a boob-tube is going to resemble a rubber band around an ostrich egg, rather than an item of attire. Please refrain from buying such figure-hugging clothing.

On a serious note: It's always been said that it doesn't matter what you look like, as long as you like who you are you should be able to wear whatever you want. I don't believe this is fully accurate. What you wear dictates how you feel about yourself. If you look like shit, then you will feel like shit. People who squeeze themselves into clothes 4 sizes too small don't do it because they love who they are, they do it either a) because they don't like themselves, or b) out of sheer perversion, like pseudo-goths (don't get me started).

What I do believe is that people who are ~genuinely~ happy with themselves and how they look don't look bad in anything.

Music Store Staff Have No Taste - or, My Mum Thinks I'm Cool - 11.17am , Sunday 1st May, 2005

Kitchen Titanic - 11:21am , Wednesday 15th December 2004

The Good Shit Lollipop - 9:02pm , Tuesday 21st September 2004

He Shoots, He Scores! GOOOOOOL-ies!! - 5:45am , Saturday 18th September 2004

A Little Bit Clothes To Home - 11:24am , Friday 10th September 2004