---

Wednesday, 3rd April, 2002 - 11:49pm

The Theory of Universal Displacement

I've moved house recently.

Over Easter weekend, in fact - an interesting experience to say the least. Good Friday became Crap Friday, Easter Saturday became Shit, How Much Crap Do We Own Saturday, Easter Sunday became Thank God We've Finished Oh Wait We've Still Got To Unpack Sunday, and Easter Monday became Don't Relax Yet, Now We Get To Clean The Old Place Monday.

Actually, that's a lie. After all the loading and unloading, packing and unpacking, lifting and -uh, unlifting we had to do all weekend - as if we'd have the energy to rattle off those great long names? I'm just being melodramatic.

Anyway, now it's Wednesday and we're here in the new house; and we've reached the stage where we've partially unpacked, and have everything we need to live life normally sorted out and settled in, but we somehow manage to have boxes and boxes of miscellaneous chattel floating about the place.

What was all this stuff doing in the old place? And why, if we don't actually need it to get by, did we bother to pack it and lug it over here at all?

These are the questions I'd like answered. Other questions include "why do we have so many empty cane baskets and glass jars?", "why, if we have so many spare wardrobes and chests-of-drawers in the storeroom, are my clothes still in a great ugly pile in the middle of my room?", and, most recently, "where the fuck is the remote control for my television?"

It remains a mystery. HOWEVER, I have a theory: Universal Displacement.

You see, what happens when you run a load of washing through a tumble-dryer? You lose a sock. Or three. And what happens sometimes if you travel overseas? You can lose your luggage. And what happens when you've boiled the kettle, grabbed a mug, opened the milk and loosened the string on your tea-bag? All the teaspoons go AWOL.

But things can't keep disappearing like this. The Universe is in a constant cycle - and if all the socks, luggage and teaspoons continually went missing, there would be a severe imbalance. Chaos.

This is why, when you move house, you end up with far more crap in the new house than you did in the old house. Even if you've moved to a bigger place (especially if you've moved to a bigger place). All the little items you've lost over the years accrue in your Karmic Insurance Policy, and get returned to you in a lump sum if you ever move house or even go on holiday (hence, it is so much harder to pack your suitcase coming home from a holiday than it did to leave).

This also explains the presence of Vegemite in most Australian's kitchen pantries. The reason Vegemite is so synonymous with Australian food isn't because we all like it, and eat it with every meal (in fact, a lot of us don't like it that much at all) - it's because whether we buy it or not, somehow it always ends up in our kitchen. Even if someone has never ever bought Vegemite in their entire lives, if you check their kitchen, you will find a jar of vegemite. It's just there.

I have digressed completely, and would love to get back on track - but I've decided to go and do some more unpacking. I've just found a box marked "Socks and Teaspoons" that I really think I should check out.

...

Bugger. It was incorrectly marked. It's full of Vegemite.

Music Store Staff Have No Taste - or, My Mum Thinks I'm Cool - 11.17am , Sunday 1st May, 2005

Kitchen Titanic - 11:21am , Wednesday 15th December 2004

The Good Shit Lollipop - 9:02pm , Tuesday 21st September 2004

He Shoots, He Scores! GOOOOOOL-ies!! - 5:45am , Saturday 18th September 2004

A Little Bit Clothes To Home - 11:24am , Friday 10th September 2004