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Friday 4th April 2003 - 10:43 am

Things Gargy Just Doesn't Get

1. Those panels of glass that jut out from either side of the doors on the train. They separate the door/standing area from the sets of seats either side of the doors that face sideways – and people always lean on them. What are they there for? You’ll be sitting there on the train, looking around aimlessly, trying not to make eye-contact with anyone, when HELLO! Someone’s arse is right there up against the glass, inches from your face. I mean, really. I’m already out of sorts just from the fact that I’m being forced to go to work in the morning – I don’t need the added pain of having to deal with pressed hams while I’m commuting.

2. Everything Jennifer Lopez has ever worn to an awards night. What is the woman doing? We know she’s always been interested in causing a ruckus, what with her split-to-the-navel Versace number that was “Brazilian” inspired (so named after the wax she had to get before she could wear it) – but recently she hasn’t been quite so edgy. Last year at the Oscars she was wearing twice her body weight worth of hair, and this year she looked like a cross between Princess Leia and toothpaste. Don’t look now, but I think J.Lo is turning into Bjork before our very eyes.

3. The latest cosmetic surgery fad. Forget liposuction, collagen or botox – there’s apparently only one way to make yourself flawless now. Nicole Kidman had laser treatment to fade out all of her freckles, and now you, too, can make your freckle disappear with the help of anal bleaching. The chocolate starfish is out, people, and the vanilla starfish is in. What better way to achieve perfection than by pretending you don’t even have an arsehole! This seems to be just one more step in the quest to be like Barbie – the next craze will probably be nipple removal.

Stay beautiful! Get a nipplectomy TODAY!

Music Store Staff Have No Taste - or, My Mum Thinks I'm Cool - 11.17am , Sunday 1st May, 2005

Kitchen Titanic - 11:21am , Wednesday 15th December 2004

The Good Shit Lollipop - 9:02pm , Tuesday 21st September 2004

He Shoots, He Scores! GOOOOOOL-ies!! - 5:45am , Saturday 18th September 2004

A Little Bit Clothes To Home - 11:24am , Friday 10th September 2004