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Thursday 17th October - 4:40pm

Terrifyingly Exotic - Or Is It The Other Way Round?

The other day Marn said "you grew up in such an exotic place."

Now, my first reaction to this was humility - "aww, shucks – no I didn’t!", but then I stopped and thought about it for a minute and I realised, yes, Australia is somewhat exotic.

And then I thought, just what exactly constitutes exotic? The dictionary defines exotic as "from another part of the world; foreign," - but this is an incredibly boring definition. (Admittedly, it does go on to say "of or involving striptease", which is much less boring, but unfortunately it is also somewhat irrelevant.)

So I pondered for a while, and I came to the conclusion that while bright colours and unusual shapes usually spring to mind, something is only exotic if there is a chance it could actually kill you.

I mean, consider the Amazon River. A very exotic place, isn’t it? That’s because in the water there are fish that will eat you. There are also a lot of plants that are considered exotic – you know, the ones with brightly coloured blooms, lush green leaves, razor sharp thorns and poisonous sap.

What about Australia – the ‘exotic’ place where I grew up? A land where we live in constant danger of being clawed, bitten, stung, killed and/or eaten!

We have big nets surrounding many of our beaches to keep the sharks AND the crocodiles at bay (or out of the bay, as it were). We apply this same principle to our beds, because while a single mosquito might not be much of a threat, a thousand of the little bastards may very well carry us away in the still of the night.

Even one of the most instantly recognisable motifs of Australia - the koala – is a vicious, ill-tempered beast with razor sharp claws that is about as cuddly as a Gallagher brother; and even if you do manage to find a more docile (read: sedated) koala in a zoo that you can cuddle, you'll find they smell very bad, and chances are it will pee on you (still bearing a remarkable resemblence to a Gallagher brother...?)

Finally, there is the most horrifyingly "exotic" creature of all - the bane of my existence – the spider. Spiders grow to mindboggling proportions in Australia – they should have license plates. Some of them are so large I’m afraid I could choke them; as in I might get stuck in their throat on the way down. The only saving grace is the fact that the larger they get in Australia the more harmless they become – so at least if I see one and start frantically flailing about like a moth at a light bulb, they can’t take advantage of my incapacitation and eat me.

Of course, don’t let that fool you – we still manage to have the world’s most venomous spider; and they can generally be found lurking in dark recesses of our toilets – so not only do we live with them, we pull down our pants and point our bottoms at them.

So if you’re looking for something exotic, then be prepared to risk life and limb – but if you’d rather remain out of mortal danger, then you’ll just have to hire a stripper.

Music Store Staff Have No Taste - or, My Mum Thinks I'm Cool - 11.17am , Sunday 1st May, 2005

Kitchen Titanic - 11:21am , Wednesday 15th December 2004

The Good Shit Lollipop - 9:02pm , Tuesday 21st September 2004

He Shoots, He Scores! GOOOOOOL-ies!! - 5:45am , Saturday 18th September 2004

A Little Bit Clothes To Home - 11:24am , Friday 10th September 2004