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Saturday 18th September 2004 - 5:45am

He Shoots, He Scores! GOOOOOOL-ies!!

There are many phrases which try to sum up the way life works. It’s always darkest before the dawn. No pain, no gain. If you want a rose, be prepared for a few thorns. Basically they’re saying that life is always two steps forward, one step back.

Unless you’re talking about getting into shape, or starting any kind of physical exercise – in which case it’s two steps forward, one slow crawl on hands and knees screaming in agony back.

I was playing a friendly game of soccer on Sunday, and I didn’t actually realise how vigorous our playing actually was – until the next day. I was getting out of bed, not noticing any particular difference in my body – when suddenly I felt a red-hot scratching burning sensation on my forehead. Needless to say I was a little alarmed – I thought I’d developed a sudden brain tumour! Turns out my legs were so weak from running they couldn’t support the rest of my body, and so while I thought I was walking to the bathroom I was actually lying on the floor, grinding my face into the carpet. When I finally got to my feet (three friction burns and forty five minutes later), I realised I was in a great deal of pain.

And it wasn’t just in my legs, either. The most agonising part of my body was actually - my centre. And I don’t mean that in a Zen Buddhist way – I mean my centre as in where my legs meet my body. My groin, okay? All the muscles in the general goolie area are are quite sore.

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t even realise there were that many muscles in my groin. I was only aware of one major one, and unsurprisingly had never tried to kick a soccer ball with it.

I also discovered how difficult it is to treat muscular pain in the groin. An ice pack might provide temporary relief, but after a few minutes – well it’s not particularly flattering; and as for Deep Heat – well, only very disturbed people would want to go anywhere near that general area with a product designed to replicate the sensation of burning.

Now, I’ve come to the conclusion that I must have been playing the game COMPLETELY incorrectly – because if one’s nether-regions are meant to play such a prominent part in soccer, then there is NO WAY that David Beckham could possibly have had an affair. There is also no way he could possibly have fathered two children, so I’m pretty sure it’s my error.

But after six days of walking around looking like Paris Hilton after a long day’s filming with her ex boyfriend, I’m nearly back to normal. My groin muscles are appreciative of the workout (because lord knows they don’t get used very often), and I’m just about ready to have another game of soccer.

Although this time, when they ask me what position I want to be in, I’m going to ask to be goolie.

I mean goalie!

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He Shoots, He Scores! GOOOOOOL-ies!! - 5:45am , Saturday 18th September 2004