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Tuesday 21st September 2004 - 9:02pm

The Good Shit Lollipop

Recently, there’s a new push on electronic billing; with the emergence of B-Pay View. Also, with companies like Vodafone offering online billing, and Foxtel actually charging a small fee to print out a statement every month, it could mean the end of paper bills.

At the same time, websites such as Citysearch.com.au, as well as white and yellow pages.com.au are becoming more and more useful; so it could also mean that the old paper phone books could be done away with too.

This is a great thing for the environment – not only will thousands of trees get saved from being cut down, they’ll also get saved from getting chained to certain individuals with a fondness for hemp clothing and poor personal hygiene every few weeks. And I would like to join in this environmental coup. With so much paper being phased out; I would like to nominate another paper item we could well do without – the paper lollipop stick.

I struggle to understand why they’re made out of paper in the first place. It’s a terrible way to end a lollipop. You’re happily enjoying the sweetness and not thinking about much at all, when suddenly you get this disgusting fibrous taste in your mouth – very similar to when you’re enjoying a Disney movie until you get the Phil Collins song during the credits.

So what’s wrong with a plastic lollipop stick? You can pay almost as much for a lollipop as you can for the common Paddlepop ice-cream, and at least they have the decency to give you a timber paddle. And okay, so they’ve got a bit of false advertising, I mean you couldn’t actually paddle very far with them – but at least they don’t turn into papier maché in your mouth!

I mean, is it a terrorist thing? In the same way they confiscate knitting needles and nail files on international flights, can we not be trusted to handle the sheer military power of nine centimetres of polyethylene? And exactly how many countries have been invaded with the force of a Choco Banana Chupa Chup?

And even if that IS the reason, it’s a false economy! I mean, I for one am not an extremist person; but if there’s one thing that does make me want to commit a violent, hateful act; it’s eating a lollipop and finding so much shredded paper between my teeth afterwards it feels like I’ve just chewed through the bottom of a birdcage!

So please, whoever is in charge of poking sticks into lollies (and who doesn’t wish they had THAT job title), please stop using paper lollipop sticks. If you don’t stop, I will be forced to follow the lead of the environmental protesters. Yes, if forced to, I WILL chain myself to a bag of Allen’s Clinkers until this wrong is righted!

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